Long Live the Car Crash Hearts
by Reptar Bars
Summary: .HIATUS. Drake walks in on Josh, while Josh is with his boyfriend. .SLASH. Chapter 8 is up!
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

_I gave it all my oxygen, so let the flames begin._

_-Paramore_

* * *

Megan couldn't let this happen.

She tricked and teased the boys all the time. _(It doesn't mean she doesn't love them.)_

She couldn't let Josh ruin this. _(He was making a big mistake.)_

She had met the boy he was so enamored with. _(He wasn't worth the heartache this would cause.)_

Wait…

Maybe this was a good thing,

Maybe Drake would step up to the plate. _(He was being such a coward.)_

Megan was going to let this happen.

She just had to make sure it happened the right way.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTES:** Okay, this is my first non-oneshot piece of work.

I would like to continue writing it, but, due to my personality, I need a fire lit under my butt to actually do anything. Haha.

So I'll only continue writing if I get some support from the readers. I need to know that my writing will be read.

Also: I need a beta reader.

So if you're interested, just email me and I'll get back to you soon, I promise.

Anyway, thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

_Best friends, ex-friends till the end; better off as lovers._

_-Fallout Boy_

* * *

Drake was bouncing on the neighbor kid, Robbie's, sit-n-bounce; thinking. With every bounce, came a new thought.

Boing.

_"It's not right to be in love with your brother."_

Boing.

_"Wait, we aren't even biological brothers."_

Boing.

_"But still… It's Josh! HE worships Oprah for Christ's sake!"_

Boing.

_"That's one of the things that I love about him."_

Boing.

_"It just makes him more adorable."_

Boing.

Boing.

_"I wonder what Josh is doing."_

Suddenly, Megan was behind him. When Drake noticed her, he went flailing, and landed on the grass with a light 'oomph'.

"Geez, Megan!" He gasped," Are you _trying_ to give me a heart attack?"

"Not today, boob." Megan replied with a mischievous grin, "There are more important matters at hand." She inspected a fingernail, "Josh needs you." She gestured dismissively at the house. "He's in your room."

"_Our_ room." Drake corrected her, standing and dusting off his sore hind-quarters.

"Whatever, boob." Megan sighed, like she had better things to do, when, in all actuality, this was stage one in her plan to get Drake and Josh together. She called it 'Plan Get the Boobs Together', or 'Plan Cleavage'. She preferred the latter. "He said it was important."

"Fine." Drake brushed past her, into the house. When he thought Megan was out of ear shot, he whispered, "Demon."

"He'll pay for that," Megan thought," But this is no time for fun and games." She sauntered into the house, getting ready for the second phase of 'Plan Cleavage'.

* * *

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of these characters, except one, and that should be pretty obvious as you read on. So, don't sue me, becasue I'm poor.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

_Nothing compares to, a quiet evening alone._

_-Paramore_

* * *

A touch of the hair; a kiss of the lips. Josh was happy, really happy. Happier then he'd been in a long time.

I love you.

Josh thought it, but he dare not say it. He refused to compromise the situation further. The relationship was already strained; what with being secret lovers.

Those three simple words. Those eight simple letters. They could make, or break him. It was the 'breaking' part the intimidated him.

He wished he didn't have to keep them a secret. He wanted his family to know and understand his feelings.

But he was scared.

Dad and Audrey never said anything to make him think that they didn't like gay people, but that tended to change when it came to their own kids.

Josh didn't want anyone forbidding him to see David. He didn't think he could handle it. He had let himself get too attached, when he knew all along that this could be taken away from him in an instant. All of this could end, suddenly, and he'd be left with absolutely nothing; not even his heart. He'd already given it away.

Wait.

If he'd already given his whole heart to someone, they should know.

"Hey, David?"

"Yeah, babe?" It was a casual statement. Nothing uncomfortable in his tone, nor was it overly sexy. All the same, it made Josh's stomach do back flips.

"Uhm…" Damn. He was all flustered now. "There's something I h-have to tell you."

"It's really cute when you do that, you know." He smiled. Josh was almost blinded by how cute David was. His teeth were pearly white and perfect.

"D-do what?"

"That! You know, when you get all flustered." He shifted his position on the couch; now most of his body was facing toward Josh. "It makes it really hard not to attack you in a fit of sexual rage." He scowled and bared his teeth, like an animal. An unbelievably gorgeous animal.

"Well I'm sorry I'm so desirable, David, but I just can't help it." He smiled back. He loved David. He brought out the best in Josh. "But really though, I have something to—"He was silenced by a slim finger to his lips.

"Hold that thought."

The finger was replaced by lips. Full, moist, tasty lips. Josh submitted to their power, and was just getting into it when the door was slammed open.

"Hey Josh, wha—"

Who should be standing there, gawking, but his step-brother, Drake Parker?

There was a thump as a half-eaten apple fell from his hand.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

_Let's see how far we've come._

_-Matchbox Twenty_

* * *

As Drake passed through the kitchen, he realized how hungry he was. He thought about raiding the fridge, but he already knew that there was nothing in there that he could scarf down quickly. It all had to be cooked.

An idea popped up in the form of a light bulb. He could get Josh to make him some brownies. Another thing he loved about Josh; his strangely delicious fudgy-boos. Josh hated when Drake called them that, but he didn't care. Josh shouldn't care either. Brownies that good could be called 'Sweaty-boos', and people would still eat them as if their lives depended on it.

Now all he had to do was find a way to persuade Josh into making them for him…

Another idea: He could trade. Josh obviously wanted something from him, since he called him all the way up to the room through Megan. He could offer his services as long as Josh got his butt in the kitchen.

Drake realized that he had stopped dead in the middle of the kitchen. He was about to walk out when he spotted the fruit basket on the island counter. He snatched an apple for Josh, and made his way through the door and up the stairs. He thought about if he_ really_ loved Josh. But more importantly, if Josh felt the same way. Drake thought about the odds of that, and realized they were slim to none. As far as Drake was concerned, Josh was straight. He _did _go out with Mindy. Even if there wasn't a difference in physical appearance between her and the average male.

Drake sighed. He was thinking about forgetting the whole thing. Stuffing his feelings away about this, like he did everything else. He was getting better at doing that. He was still pretty broken up after Josh had been "done" with him, but he didn't want Josh to know, because he apologized, and he seemed to mean it, Drake didn't want Josh's life to be any harder than he was making it by just being himself.

Drake decided then, as he was on the stairs, that he wouldn't say anything to Josh about how he felt; then he was at the door. He glanced down at the apple he had grabbed for Josh, and scolded himself; the apple was half eaten. Drake had been eating without even realizing it.

"Josh will understand." He thought out loud, and he reached or the door knob. He hesitated a few centimeters away from the faded and scratched brass knob. Drake heard a voice from inside, and it wasn't Josh's. It couldn't have been the T.V.; Drake spilled Mocha Cola on that last week.

He guessed it had to have been Mindy. He listened harder to catch more of the conversation, but it was silent. Drake thought about them kissing; or rather, Mindy's disgusting tongue in his Joshy's mouth, and made a face. He resolved to bust up in their room, and break up the spit swap.

Drake slammed open the door.

"Hey Josh, wha—"

Wait.

That isn't Mindy on the couch with Josh.

That isn't a girl, either.

And they had just been kissing.

There was a thud as the half eaten apple in Drake's hand fell to the floor.

And look, there's Drake's broken heart right next to it.


	5. AUTHOR'S NOTES

**Author's Notes. [BIG VERSION LOLZ.**

Okie dokie.

It seems as though people do want me to keep writing. So I will!



Business #1: The beta job has been filled. But if you _really_ want to beta for me, who am I to stop you?

Lol.

Just email me.

Business #2: If you have any suggestions for alternate lyric titles for the chapters, just email me, or message me here on always appreciate feedback.

Business #3: If you want to know the name of a song that some lyrics belong to, just email me. It's not a problem.

Business #4: **PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE REVIEW! **I freaking _breath_ criticism. It's my life substance. Without it, I wouldn't be the mediocre writer that I am now.

Haha.

Business #5: I apologize in advance if there are any times when it takes forever for me to get a new chapter up. I have barely reliable resources.

I don't have a computer at home, so I write everything by hand, type it up at school, send it off to my beta at school, and upload them _at school_. Hopefully all that will change soon. But until then, please bear with me.

THANK YOU!


	6. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

_I'm not so naïve, my sorry eyes can see._

_-Paramore_

* * *

Megan sat back in her chair and watched as the boob trains collided.

Drake slammed open the door to find Josh making out with his "boyfriend". Oh, she'd been waiting over a month for this moment, ever since she had first caught Josh and his 'friend' that first time, it had been like a time bomb, just waiting to explode.

Drake was so shocked that he dropped his apple. She watched as it rolled to a stop underneath the couch.

Megan prided herself in being smart enough to reinstall the camera feeds inside the wall after she found out that Drake and Josh had been in her room. They had almost ruined everything for her that day when they had pulled out her stuff last time.

Megan started to settle into her chair when she caught sight of the look on Drake's face and an overwhelming sense of guilt and pity washed over Megan.

This was weird because neither guilt nor pity were in her vocabulary, and it felt weird just thinking them.

But... Drake looked so heartbroken. Megan just wanted to go down the hall and scoop him up in a big hu-

"What the heck?" Megan said out loud, her voice dripping with disgust at her own feelings.

What was going on here? Megan thought, was she losing her touch? Nah. She could totally do this. Devoid of emotion.

Megan turned back to the video screen, for she had swiveled her chair around, and tried to watch the train wreck.

Once again, the same feelings bombarded Megan. Maybe she was losing her touch.

She was reaching for the remote to turn off the screen, when an idea struck. Megan turned off the video, but left on the audio. Megan smirked. As long as she didn't have to watch Drake's heart break into a million pieces right before her eyes, she was fine. Megan got comfortable, slipping on a pair of headphones as she settled into her seat.

This was what was best. Even if the boys didn't know it yet.

"Drake!" Josh's terrified voice filled Megan's ears "Uh, I thought you went to the movies!"

"I-I did! But my date never showed and then there was a sit-n-bounce…"

Megan grinned at how unbelievably clever she was.


	7. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

_I don't know why you love me, and that's why I love you. You catch me when I fall, accept me flaws and all. And that's why I love you._

_-Beyonce_

* * *

However hard Josh wished that it was all some kind of insane dream; he knew that Drake had seen him and David kissing.

It was all over Drake's face; a look of stunned disbelief and Josh thought, a very fleeting thought, that he also saw pain in his brother's eyes, but he couldn't focus on that at the moment. First he had to find a way to climb out of this hole he had just been thrown into.

"So, uhm--" Okay. Not quite as smooth as he wanted.

"Josh, can I talk to you for a minute?" Drake's voice was strained. His face seemed to be struggling with multiple emotions; never displaying each one fully. Josh was not prepared for this. He had expected Megan to find him out, if anyone at all.

"Uh, sure. What's up?" Josh said, grimacing at the way his voice broke, yeah; he was definitely playing this one cool. Not. He watched as Drake's mouth twisted, his brother's brown eyes darkening with an emotion Josh couldn't quite name, David's warmth suddenly flooded Josh's senses, and he realized what Drake had reacted too. He had leaned against David when he had spoken to Drake, unconsciously seeking support from him.

"Can I talk to you privately?" At this, Drake glanced quickly at David before meeting Josh's eyes once more.

"Yeah, sure." Josh could feel the blood slowly leaving his face.

Drake didn't even wait for him. He stalked out of the room stomping heavily, and Josh could hear him pretty much running down the stairs.

Josh waited until the noises of Drake's passage faded and turned to David, wanting to take time to let him know what was at stake. Looking at David, who had somehow moved himself off of Josh's lap, he just looked surprised and utterly confused.

"Do you know what this could mean?" Josh spoke slowly, trying to make sure that David understood.

David remained silent for a moment before finally speaking. "Your family would finally know about us?" He answered in the form of a question.

"Yes." Josh replied. David's expression, however, did not seem to fit the gravity of the situation. It was like he was saying 'Soooo...?' with his eyes. Josh decided to clarify. "That is not a good thing, David!"

"Why not?" David asked, furrowing his brow in frustration. "What if your parents actually like the idea of us?" David waved his arms around while he spoke, his voice growing agitated, as though he could not understanding why Josh wouldn't want his parents to know about them. "What if they end up accepting you the way you are? Like good parents shou--"

"What if they take you away from me?" Josh was perilously close to tears. He couldn't bear the thought of David being ripped out of his life. A tear fell down Josh's cheek.

"Hey." A warm hand was on his face; wiping away the tear, easing his anxiety. "It'll be fine." David was speaking softly.

"Even if this all goes horribly wrong, I'll always be with you. Didn't you know that I love you?" David smiled, but all Josh could do was stare uncomprehendingly.

He tried to wrap his mind around what was just said. If he was right, David just said… no, he must have heard wrong; all of this sudden stress was getting to him. He decided to make sure he wasn't crazy.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Josh leaned closer, so he could hear more clearly. David just laughed softly, and put his lips almost on Josh's ear.

"I said," David turned Josh's face so they were looking into each other's eyes, "I love you." And then he kissed Josh. Delicately, with so much love put behind it. It almost made Josh cry again.

David broke away, a serious look on his face. "Now go talk to your brother." Josh nodded, David smiled, and Josh smiled.

"I'll be back." Josh got up from the couch and walked over to the door. With his hand on the knob, he turned back to David, who was watching him, and said, "I love you too, by the way." Josh threw open the door dramatically.

Josh descended the stairs full of pride and scared as hell.


	8. AUTHOR'S NOTES 2

Sorry for the ridiculously long wait.

I was having some MAJOR writer's block. Lol. I hope you enjoy these chapters.

And if you do, Thank Elena (heathenseyes) for being an AMAZING beta!

And if you don't, blame Elena for being a HORRIBLE beta.

Lol. J/K J/K.

Thank you for the Reviews!!


	9. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

_In the habit of decomposing, right before your very (lalalala) eyes; along with the people inside._

_-PATD_

* * *

Drake stomped down the stairs. A part of him surprised at how numb he felt on the outside. Like there was nothing outside of the malestrom inside of him, emotions warring within him for dominance.

Angerdeceptionsadnesssuprise every emotion under the cold sun fueled his actions as Drake walked through the refraction of light thrown onto the foyer floor through the opaque glass of the front door.

Everything but happiness. Happiness was lost upon the rapid hardening of his heart.

Drake wondered absently if he was becoming catatonic _(a word that Josh had taught him)_ as he swung open the door to the sweltering heat of the front lawn.

Drake couldn't feel the heat, though.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, away from the crumbling of his psyche, Drake wondered where his nerve endings had disappeared to.

His body still on autopilot, Drake walked slowly towards the deathtrap that was their car, vaguely aware of the 'crunching' sound he made with each step.

His hand registered 'cold' as he gripped the car door handle that he knew was supposed to be scorching hot.

What a time for his physical pain receptors to be broken, Drake thought, just when he needed something to take his mind off of the all that emotional pain that was causing chaos in his being.

Drake, still on autopilot, dug around in the glove compartment for the spare key.

_("So you don't get locked in the car with nowhere to go." Josh had joked.)_

Drake turned the aformentioned key in the ignition, the sudden rumbling bringing him out of his waking dream state for a fraction of a second. He became acutely aware of the extreme heat within the car and how his sweat glands poured salty fluids in an attempt to maintain homeostasis _(something else Josh had taught him about)_. Then the moment passed, and the thick blanket of numbness layered itself over Drake once again.

It would have been suffocating if it wasn't so welcome.

Drake drove himself to the draugstore, six blocks away, and parked haphazardly in the almost empty parking lot.

Drake's mind was full of scattered thoughts about Josh, or, more specifically, the boy Josh was with.

Who was he? Why hadn't Drake seen him before? Why was Josh kissing him?

Drake could hazard a guess at the last one, although he desperately fought against thinking about it.

**PING**

Whoops. Drake realized abruptly that he had told Josh that he wanted to talk to him, and then he just up and left.

Drake told himself that it was for the best, he didn't really have anything to say to Josh. He just wanted to get him away from _that boy_. He thought of how Josh had leaned against him _without even realizing it_. Drake's stomach dropped and his heart tried to beat its way out of his throat.

That was a good sign. At least his heart was still working.

Drake realized that he was taking up two parking spaces and that he still had the car running. He cut the engine and reclined the seat below window level.

And he cried.

Hot, painful tears slicing their way down Drake's face.


	10. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

_Did your string come undone?_

_-Radiohead_

* * *

Josh stepped off of the last stair, his hand trembling slightly. He realized how unreasonably anxious he was now that he was about to finally talk to someone about him and David. Stopping at the bottom of the stairs, a wave of relief washed over Josh as he realized the _pros_ of Drake being the first one to find out about his...ambivalence.

1) Josh could gauge his reaction, and hopefully try to imagine the reactions of the rest of his family.

2) Drake knowing was a huge weight off of Josh's shoulders. He hated keeping this a secret from his brother. He hated keeping _anything _from Drake. Josh would only do so if absolutely necessary. Stuff like surprise birthday parties, where the candy was hidden (the fact that he was gay).

3) And most importantly, Drake would keep this a secret for him. Josh could kind of _feel_ it. Drake might hang it over Josh's head a little (what's a few months ((years)) of science homework?), but Josh could handle it. Drake wasn't completely vicious; unlike his demon of a sister.

Josh shuddered at the thought of Megan even _suspecting _him of what was going on between him and David.

The fact that pictures weren't plastered all over the internet signaled to Josh that Megan was oblivious to everything.

Josh took a deep breath and tried to calm the nervous fluttering of his heart, gathering his courage to move beyond the hallway in front of the stairs.

"Now or never." Josh thought and all but flung himself from behind the wall that concealed him, expecting Drake to be standing in the foyer. Only to find something blaringly missing. Drake. Could you say 'Anti-climactic'? Shrugging Josh headed towards the kitchen.

As he was walking through the foyer, Josh was startled by a car peeling out down the street. He thought absently about how some people (Drake) can be so irresponsible, and how Drake drives with a complete disregard for the law, or any kind of safety.

_("Why," Josh inquired, "do you drive so freaking fast?!" He remembers always having a death grip on the dashboard. Drake had looked at him as though he were a little slow on the uptake._

_"Because we're late." He spoke slowly._

_Josh stomped on an imaginary brake in the floor as Drake sped towards a stop sign. "Well, we would have been on time if you had hurried upOHSHI-!" Drake came dangerously close to bumping the Sedan in front of them before abruptly switching lanes._

_"Josh, look at this hair," Drake pointed for emphasis, "__l__ook at this outfit," pointing again. "Does this lo- are you looking? Does this _look _like it could_ ever _take less than thirty minutes?" He never got an answer; Josh had been too busy screaming obscenities.)_

Josh rolled his eyes at the memory, and thought of how David always drives just three miles over the speed limit.

_("Fast enough so we won't be late; slow enough so we don't get caught." David had reasoned with a grin.)_

Drake?" Josh shouted, "You in there?" He was yelling in the direction of the living room as he glanced out of the window above the sink in to the backyard. Josh thought he might have missed Drake sitting on the couch.

Still no Drake.

Just to be sure, Josh walked through the swinging door. He stood listless in the empty room.

Drake had left.

Josh knew (all too well) that Drake was a bit flaky, but wasn't this pushing it a little? _Drake _had asked him to come downstairs. _He_ was the one that wanted to talk. Drake was almost expected to forget...or ignore other people's requests.

But his own?

This was new for Drake and Josh wondered if he should be worried about this development. Only for a moment, though, because David's soft voice pulled him from his reverie.

David was standing on the second stair; looking adorably anxious. He was obviously worried that Drake was still there.

"Hey," Josh stood up and gestured for David to come over. "Drake's not here."

David relaxed visibly and flitted over to where Josh; almost as if he were dancing. Josh marveled at what seven years of ballet had given him.

Josh scooped him up into a hug, all of his nervousness melting away.

David was like his very life-size stress ball. Josh buried his face in his black (almost blue) hair, sniffing the familiar, wonderful smell; he made a contented sighing sound and David giggled. Nowadays, Josh was practically _worshipping_ Mindy for getting them together.

At first, Josh had been wary of the mischievous grin on her face as she introduced them to each other at the Premier.

_("Josh, David," She turned to David, "David, Josh.")_

But she pulled him aside when she realized that Josh was obviously confused and uncomfortable. She explained that she already knew he was gay.

_("Okay, look," She made some serious eye contact, "I already sort of _suspected_ that you were... different. It just kind of took a while for me to confirm it." At Josh's slack jaw, she added, "Why did you think I broke us up?" Josh sputtered for an answer or retort of some sort, but Mindy cut him off. "Hey. You need to relax. I mean, you _are_ gay, right? I'm not just making things up?" Josh nodded slowly; defeated. He hadn't actually admitted it to anyone yet; barely even himself. "Well, okay," Mindy said brightly, "David already thinks you're cute," Josh perked up at this, and glanced behind him at David, who waved, " So all you've got to do is turn on the charm that you hooked me with." Mindy smiled assuringly, and grabbed Josh's arm; dragging him back to the table; blushing and grinning.)_

Josh gave Daivd one last squueze and let him go, plopping down onto the couch. David settled himself into Josh's lap. David was pretty tall; he came up to about Josh's nose, but sometimes he felt so _small_. Like he was built to fit the mold for Josh's body.

"Drake sent you a message." Even with David's soft tone, Josh could feel the vibration in his vocal cords.

"Huh?"

"A text." David waggled Josh's phone in front of his face.

"Oh." Josh hadn't realized he'd been holding it. He grabbed the phone and glanced at the display screen before flicking it open.

Sure enough, 'Text Msg: Drake', lit up the little screen.

The message read: 'We'll talk later.'

Josh's eyes widened in suprise.

"What?" David asked, confused.

"He spelled everything right." Josh knew that that would make no sense to David, so he showed David the text.

"So?"

"Well, Drake only ever uses chatspeak, you know? It's weird." What the text message would have normally looked like was, 'Wel tlk l8r.'. Josh didn't really know what to think of this.

Fisrt: Drake flakes out on _himself_. And then: HE USES PROPER GRAMMAR AND SPELLING?

Josh was extremely confused.

"Maybe he realizes that this is a serious situation? Do you know why he left?" David. Always the voice of logic, and reason. Alot like himself, Josh thought absently.

"No. He just left." Josh shrugged, still holding tight to David.

"Hmm. Just let him think this through. This is alot to handle. You _are_ his brother."

"You're right," Josh sighed and then a mischevious grin spread across his face. "I think I'm in the need of some consoling." Josh craned his neck to kiss David, worry for Drake still tugging at his nerves.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTES:** Okay guys, thanks a bunch for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate it. I've been working really hard trying to make these chapters really good.  
I wouldn't be able to do it without my beta, Elena. She's amazing. She make my muse turn into a freaking chatterbox. Lol.

Anyway, I'm moving soon and I don't know when I'll find any kind of computer, so it might be a while before anymore chapters get put up. I apologize in advance, but, what can I do, you know?

Anyway, please review, and enjoy!


	11. AUTHOR'S NOTES 3

**Author's Notes: **

I'm changing my pen name to 'Reptar Bars', by the way.

Shakespearean was too long to spell, I thought.

So, just F.Y.I


	12. Chapter 8

* * *

**Author's Notes:** First of all, I'm terribly sorry that this chapter took so long. Half of the reason is, I kind of burned out a little, the other reason is due to some family issues that couldn't be pushed aside. Really sorry.

Second of all, I know I usually post two chapters at a time, but I'm gonna try something different. I won't update until I get 25 reviews. I know, I know. It seems cruel, but it's really not. If you like the story enough, taking two minutes to write a review should totally be worth it, right? Also: None of this, "PLEASE UPDATEOMG." Those don't count as reviews.

Thirdly, uhm..There is no thirdly. Just read and review, please. Remember, 25 reviews, people.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own D/J.

* * *

**Chapter 8**

_Tell me, tell me, can you feel the pressure now?  
-Paramore_

* * *

The sun disappeared below the horizon while Drake sat in the front seat of his car, still and silent, as though he were holding some secret vigil for something lost and forever gone. As the sun disappeared, it's fading light receding from the sky, Drake stirred from his state of numbness, blinking slowly as he regained awareness of his surroundings. He checked his phone; still no reply from Josh. Drake hadn't really expected one when he texted him anyway.

The air inside the car had cooled considerably, along with the air outside of the vehicle, as night blanketed itself over the city.

Drake, however was oblivious to the change in temperature, because the moisture that was currently residing on Drake's face was not sweat. All day, he had been wiping furiously at the tears; praying to whatever god that would listen to make them stop. They continued to flow and Drake continued to be an Atheist.

_("Men don't cry, Drake," his father told him firmly, "Crying is for women and little boys; you're not a little boy anymore, so suck it up, alright?" A hug and a pat on the back ended their 'heart to heart'.)_

The memory forced it's way to the forefront of his mind for the umpteenth time that day, once again making him feel foolish and small.

It also made him cry harder.

_Which was the contradiction of the century._ Drake thought.

The pain that the memory brought...

Trying to shake off the uncomfortable thoughts, he glanced around. He was still in the parking lot of the drugstore and dimly wondered why no one had bothered him about loitering, even with the large red sign displayed on one of the windows. He considered that no one even cared.

Drake also realized how ravished with hunger he had become. Drake dug around in his pockets for money, planning to buy some chips and a drink from the store. He came up with something around three dollars; just enough to get what he needed. That's how things usually worked out for Drake. If Drake needed it, Drake got it. He rarely had to ask twice.

And now here he was; wanting something more important than the guitars he just 'had to have', and the jeans he 'couldn't live without', and he couldn't have it. He couldn't have Josh and that killed him inside.

_This is stupid._ Drake reprimanded himself. _Why am I even reacting like this? It's Josh's life, he can do what he wants with it._

Drake threw himself from the vehicle, his muscles screaming in protest at the sudden movement. He didn't even look at his reflection before trudging across the cracked asphalt into the store. Drake was vaguely aware of the condition he was in and decided to ease the cashier's worries by getting in and out as fast as he could manage. He cast a glance at the middle aged woman behind the counter; she was reading a trashy romance novel, and clearly not interested in anything going on in the store. If she noticed that Drake had come in, she didn't show it at all.

_Just as well_, Drake thought, _I probably look like shit._

Drake walked quickly anyway toward the stand of chips in the middle of the store. The bags were carelessly displayed (Sunchips with the Cheetos; Funyons with the Doritos.) so Drake took one at random. He then headed to the back wall of refrigerators; his eyes automatically raked the doors for a Mocha Cola, out of reflex. When they found one, however, they burned with tears, and Drake quickly grabbed a bottle of water, instead. He and Josh would always, _always_, no matter what, mix their drinks half and half, and the only drinks they ever got were a Mocha Cola for Drake, and a Mountain Fizz for Josh. One without the other was like Bonnie without Clyde; Bert without Ernie; (Drake without Josh) it was morally unacceptable, and Drake realized now that they couldn't do that anymore. That was an act to show the special bond between Josh and himself, and now Josh had forged a new bond with someone else.

Drake was nearly running to the checkout counter due to the tears threatening his pride when they caught his eye. Glinting mischievously in the fluorescent light, they stopped him in his tracks. Displayed boldly across the front of their plastic wrapping was: Replacement Razor Blades.

Drake's heart jumped in his chest; the razor blades were priced at 3.57; more than Drake could afford. _But I need them._ Drake thought desperately. He knew what he was going to use them for, but he didn't think about that; his conscience might make an appearance. The only way Drake could have them was to steal them. His hand reached out; partly of it's own will, partly of Drake's, to grab the metal that would soon be slicing it's way through Drake's skin; relieving him of his pain through the flowing of his blood.

As Drake thought of the pleasure of that release, he also thought of the look on his mother's face 6 years ago, as she grabbed his arm, demanding to know where the marks had come from.

_(Audrey looked into Drake's eyes; pain and fear and anger all boiled behind her usually docile brown eyes._

_"Who did this?" Her voice was strained, her face contorting around her words. Drake didn't look at her, he couldn't stand the look on her face; he felt like it was eating him alive. Audrey shook him by his arm, becoming more hysterical."Did you do this, Drake? Tell me who did it...TELL ME RIGHT NOW, DRAKE TELL ME WHO DID IT!" She was crying then; slumped on the floor, her body wracked with sobs. "What did I do wrong?" Her voice was barely above a whisper."What did I do wrong?" _

_Drake was crying then, too. He hadn't wanted to hurt anyone; cutting _himself_ wasn't supposed to hurt anyone but _himself_. Drake sat down on the floor with his mom, and put his arms around her; Audrey turned to hug him back._

_"I'm sorry." He said,"I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry.")_

And they sat like that for hours, just holding each other on the cold linoleum floor. Drake hadn't done any deliberate harm to himself since that day.

He had also completely blocked that memory from himself; it was too painful for him, the desperation in his mother's eyes, he never wanted to remember it again. However, here he was, his hand quivering just inches from the objects that would lead him to self-mutilation, the pain from the memory warring with the desire for some sort of release as tears streamed down his face from the long buried remembrance. Drake knew that if he bought those blades, he was going to cut himself, and if his mom found out again, after all that happened, he wouldn't ever forgive himself.

_I'd just have to be more clever with where I cut._

He glanced at the door confirm that there were no theft detectors and then slid his eyes over to the cashier who was still reading her book. Quickly stuffing the package into his pocket as emotions he couldn't name clouded his judgement, he paused, trying to collect himself, his hands wiping away the tear tracks before he turned and walked briskly to the counter, trying his hardest not to look nervous; not to look guilty.

When he reached the counter the woman looked at him as if seeing him for the first time, taking in the mess that Drake knew he was. By now, Drake's heart was hammering against his ribs; he just knew the cashier could hear it, from the wary way she_ wasn't_ looking at him. She rang up his chips and water.

"That'll be 2.89, hon," she said, the faint traces of a New York accent lacing her words.

Drake threw all his money onto the counter, the coins clattering loudly. "Keep the change." He said quickly, and started to walk out. He was nearly out the door when she called out.

"Hey, wait a minute." Drake's stomach dropped and his mouth went dry, he couldn't even gulp. He turned slowly to look at the woman, he couldn't have said anything if he tried, his mouth was like sandpaper. Drake's hand instinctively lowered to the incongruous lump in his right pocket. "Ya forgot your receipt, sweetie."

"Keep it." He heard himself say, his own voice surprising him with it's raw sound, and he launched himself through the door, quickly running to the car. He yanked open the door that he hadn't bothered to lock and threw himself into the vehicle, narrowly missing slamming his head against the roof edge. Drake turned the key in the ignition and groaned as the engine turned over. He tried once more, slamming the gas to the floor, and mentally willed the car to start. It roared to life and Drake hastily threw the car into reverse; there were no cars in the parking lot, which was to Drake's advantage because he was nearly blind with nerves. He calmed down a little as he eased himself into the street and out of the danger zone. His body settled itself into the easy rhythm of driving.

Drake felt the lump of stolen razors in his pocket; he fished them out and threw them into the graveyard of fast food wrappers that was the backseat.

Drake had a white-knuckle death grip on the steering wheel; his movements were jerky, and incorrect. He decided that he was unfit to be on the road in his severely frazzled condition, so he took a right turn that he knew would lead him to the public park. He looked at the neon clock in the dashboard and tried to calculate how long he had been gone from home. It was nine o' clock; Drake had been gone for 6 hours.

_Mom is going to freak when I get home._

* * *

The park was empty; the remnants of what looked to be a birthday party dotted the area. Two balloons swayed drunkenly from a post that no one had bothered to untie them from.

Drake walked over to the balloons, after watching them from a swing, and untied them, fumbling with the knot a little. He watched as hey floated up towards the night sky, doomed to burst as they float too high, or to snag on a power line as they explore the city.

Realizing that, Drake half regretted setting them free. If he hadn't, they'd have been safe on the wooden post that he was running his fingers over; barely feeling the whorls and textures of the aged and battered wood as he watched the balloons dance toward their eminent destruction. Forever watching as fathers and daughters mended broken relationships because "daddy loves his secretary now, honey." Or, shady deals at twilight; heartfelt breakups, and middle school kids' first time skipping class.

Drake wondered if that might have been more interesting.

He walked back over to the swing, pushing off, and swinging higher; wondering if he could leave his problems on the ground if he flew high enough.

Sand gathered around his shoelaces as Drake dug his sneakers into the ground, halting his ascent.

_There wasn't a swing high enough in the world._

* * *

**AN: Review, please.**


	13. HIATUS

**I'm putting this fic on Hiatus.**

HOLD YOUR FIRE!

It's what's best. I'm in an extremely unstable condition right now, and everything will end up coming out all warped and hateful. And I can't have that. I'd rather just wait, until things straighten themselves out, and I can post chapters regularly without having to make you guys wait.

I'm really sorry, but this needs to be done. I don't know how long this will last.

I will, however, be posting drabbles and other non-major pieces, so it's not like I'm going to disappear off the face of the internet.

Once again, I'm sorry, and I do intend to finish what I started, but now is not an ideal time to do so.

Please don't hate me and boycott my work. Haha.


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